Are You Yelling?
90% of American parents admit they have yelled at kids. It’s so common that it makes you wonder if parenting without yelling is possible? The answer is yes and you can do it too!
Growing up I was raised in what I like to call a very loud and “spirited” Austrian family. In a family of hot heads I therefore observed yelling and strong emotions as a normal part of life from a very young age on. So when my subconscious takes over, guess where I go? Parenting without yelling doesn’t come natural to me either!
What Yelling Does To A Child
When we looked in the eyes of your sweet baby we probably never thought that one day we could get so frustrated that we would yell at this precious little human. But looking at the survey results shows that it happens to 9 out of 10 parents. The reality is that yelling at kids, no matter in what context, is a way to express anger. It therefore scares children and makes them feel insecure.
The outcome? Yelling at your kids actually makes them more physically and verbally aggressive and can lead to long term effects like anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and increased aggression. The higher aggression level typically leads to increased misbehavior, which gets parents and children into a very viscous cycle that in the worst case can even lead to self-destructive behavior like drug abuse.
Why Yelling Doesn’t Work?
As a mom of two strong willed young children, my buttons got pushed much more often than I liked. I thought I was well prepared for parenting from my years as a teacher, but let me tell you, the screaming and disobedience of your own toddlers are very different triggers than those I experienced as a classroom teacher. Nevertheless, raising your voice is ineffective in both settings.
Research even shows that words spoken in an emotional way are not remembered as accurately as those spoken in neutral speech! Hmmmm … Also, given the fact that yelling at kids scares them, it will be difficult for them to remember anything that was spoken because stress hormones flooded their brain. This proofs that yelling is not an effective way to modify kids behavior in the long term. However, it may actually be where the vicious cycle of “always having to yell at them about the same stuff” begins. So it seems that parenting without yelling would bring more peace and open the path to the happy family we long for.
Sadly, in the thick of parenting, I found myself sometimes frustrated, going into fight or flight mode, and then filled with regret after I had raised my voice. On a particular day when my husband found me crying in my closet while the kids were napping, I decided I needed to find a way to keep my cool and learn to speak to my kids in a way that would help them actually hear me.
That’s when I really started to dig in and learn. After reading a ton of books and attending numerous workshops I have found these 5 tips for parenting without yelling most helpful.
5 Tips For Parenting Without Yelling
You’re committed to learn to parent without yelling, now what?
Tip 1: Become aware of your triggers
- The moment we raise our voices to the children we love so much is usually preceded by a trigger of some sort. These triggers can pretty much be divided into two categories:
- External Triggers – These are all the things that have to do with them – our kids. Things like talking back, teasing and tormenting their sibling, ignoring directions we give, whining, lying, or tantrums. Really, all the behaviors that drive us crazy and can make us angry.
- Internal Triggers – These have everything to do with us! These are our own tendencies and shortcomings that cause us to loose control and explode. Examples would be running late, a messy home, stress, transition times, or the constant noise.
- Keep in mind that while some of our triggers have to do with them, most of our triggers are actually rooted within us!
- Take a few minutes to think about your personal triggers…
Tip 2: Learn to regulate yourself
- Self-regulation is key to parenting without yelling! When you encounter a trigger, you often encounter an area of your childhood that needs some healing. Examine your trigger areas closely!
- If you have some deep childhood scars, consider getting support as you work through them. If you struggle with anger frequently, seek counseling! Healing ourselves is one of the best things we can do for our children!
- When you feel yourself getting angry give yourself a time-out. Remove yourself, take some deep breaths and better yet smile big or laugh. All of these actions will help reset your brain so you can shake off the anger. Seriously, your muscles can help your brain switch it’s state. Try it out!
- Always wait to discipline until your anger has subsided and avoid physical punishment or threats no matter what.
Tip 3: Feed your child’s love tank and connect
- A close bond between you and your child makes your child more open to your influence. When we look at triggers we find that several of them are rooted in parents not feeling heard. Hence parenting without yelling becomes easier when our bond with our child is stronger.
- Depending on your child’s age, connecting with her will look different.
- When you child is a baby you connect through your eyes, a lot of touch and by being responsive to her needs.
- During the toddler and preschool years when your child is starting to assert some independence but exhibits separation anxiety at the same time know that both is part of the process. Acknowledge feelings, and reassure your child in words and actions of your bond.
- As your child grows make time to join her in an activity of her choosing regularly. This doesn’t have to take hours. A few minutes daily will fill your child’s love tank and tighten your bond with her. If you have multiple kids, you can even set a timer for each one.
Tip 4: Show empathy to your child’s big feelings
- When emotions are high listen quietly and attentively to your child without solving anything.
- Acknowledge feelings with small words like “Oh … I see … Mmmhmmm” and reflect on them.
- Use words that describe what your child might be feeling and make statements that show you understand.
- Grant your child’s wishes in fantasy. “I wish I could just put that granola bar back together for you. Wouldn’t that be amazing?”.
Tips 5: Give yourself grace
- As you are training yourself to parent without yelling you’ll have good and bad days. This is to be expected!
- When you change typical behavior patterns you are literally re-wiring the neural-pathways in your brain. This will take a while. When you notice yourself getting angry or even raising your voice, stop yourself when ever you can and go from there.
- If you completely messed it up, it’s a great time to model to your children what asking forgiveness and trying again looks like. You are human and you’ll mess up. Give yourself grace!
A Few Great Resources For You
Don’t miss out and grab this free parenting without yelling resource called the “5 Secrets To Stop Yelling“! It will help guide you along as you practice staying calm.
If you are ready to dig deeper, check out a few of my favorite parenting books on this topic:
This post contains affiliate links. This means if you click on the link and purchase the item, I will receive a small Amazon Associate commission, at no extra cost to you. All opinions remain my own!
You Can Parent Positively and Peacefully
I’m so excited for you and your child as you embark on the journey to create a more positive and peaceful home. Parenting without yelling is not only possible it’s so rewarding for everyone involved. You will reap the benefits through kids who listen better because you have a deeper connection.
Don’t forget that changing your behavior will take time. Your old patterns will want to resurface, but I urge you to stay the course. Parenting without yelling will change your child’s emotional development, raise her EQ (emotional quotient) and very possibly the way your family parents for generations to come.
Along the way, celebrate your wins, ask forgiveness for your pitfalls, and know that every day is a new day! Don’t dwell on the past instead move into every day with the renewed believe that YOU CAN DO THIS!
I’d love to hear your experiences when you start using these tips! What has worked for you and what would you like to learn more about?