Dealing with negative children starts during the toddler years and never seems to end. Somehow kids always find something to whine or complain about.
I don’t know about you, but I can get pretty frustrated with my kids’ moaning about trivial things like which granola bar I sent for snack. I mean seriously, they should be grateful I packed one!
Our Childhood Shapes Us
My first gut response? Well, my brain goes to what my parents used to do, which was to yell or lecture me about why I had no reason to complain about anything. And if I’m being honest, neither did a whole lot for me as a child. What about you?
I even have my whole rendition at the tip of my tongue in a situation like this. It would be so easy to get started! I would tell them they should be grateful we actually have granola bars at home that they can take for snack and if they don’t like what I send with them, how about they start prepping their own lunches and snacks instead of me doing it for them? How about they show some gratitude instead of complaining?
However, in my parenting years I learned that those conversations aren’t super productive when you deal with your negative child. They actually lead to more resentment all around, which is definitely not what I’m going for!
So I’m super thankful I learned to respond in a different way …
Step 1 “Stop”
When you deal with your negative child, your very first step is actually to STOP yourself before you react. What does that look like?
When my kids get negative, complain, or whine, I STOP myself before any words can escape my mouth; grit my teeth, take a deep breath and smile. Can you see it? I probably look a little weird with this freakishly wide grin on my face, but let’s roll with it.
Now why in the world do I smile you ask? Honestly, to help my brain get rid of the stress hormones that just literally flooded my body when I got annoyed with what I heard. Yup, the freakish smile and pause are totally for me and have little to do with them. However, they see mommy smiling, which is better than me jumping down their throats, right?
So step one isn’t fancy at all my friend. Step one is so simple that there is no way you’ll be able to forget it. Step one is, wait for it, drumroll please, STOP and don’t say a word! Whatever wants to come out of your mouth, swallow it, keep it in your brain, and simply smile until that urge to spew whatever you’d like to lecture them on goes away.
Isn’t it funny that a thing as simple as to STOP when you deal with your negative child, can be pretty tough? In fact, this is probably the hardest step in this formula. So once you’ve made this one happen, you’ll do great!
It won’t come naturally for a little while, and may take you a little bit to master. It’s normal and ok, because it is probably not how you were parented and how your brain is wired. Just keep on practicing, because that is how you rewire your brain.
Step 2 “Listen & Think”
Once you have stopped your automatic response of contradicting whatever your child just complained or whined about, make an effort to listen actively to them. This will help you to notice what emotion they are feeling.
This is much easier to do for me personally when I took time to breathe through my annoyance. Let’s be real, most of our kids’ problems can feel pretty trivial. To them however they are not. On the contrary, they often have strong feelings attached to whatever their complaint is. Tapping into this feeling before I respond in any way is key to how our conversation will continue.
You could even take this as far as to say that how you deal with your negative child is an important influence on your relationship. It can be the difference between your teenager sharing their bigger problems with you, or being closed off and you having little to no idea what is going on with them. Wow!
Kids are learning to become aware of what they are feeling. The younger the child, the more they have to learn in this area. However, to be honest, many adults could still use help with this, right? Anyways, situations involving conflict, complaints, or negativity are actually a perfect opportunity to teach giving feelings a name!
The more self aware we become the higher our EQ (emotional quotient) will be. A higher EQ is known to lead to better relationships in adulthood. For me, that’s a huge win-win all around! So instead of staying in annoyance as you deal with your negative child, you can use it as an opportunity to learn and grow, if you so choose.
Step 3 “Acknowledge Feelings”
As you are taking time to actively listen to your child, you want to say very, very little! Don’t feel the need to fix their problem, explain, or reason with them at this point.
However, in order for your child to know that you are truly listening and not just tuning them out you do want to use short phrases that will simply show that you acknowledge their feelings as you deal with your negative child.
You can respond with things like
“Ok.”
“Hmm.”
“I see.”
“Oh.”
All of these will show your acknowledgement as you deal with your negative child, without putting any additional emotion towards what your child is sharing. The other benefit is that by you saying very little, you give your child the chance to talk through the situation. It’s ok to experience some silence! Give your child the time he or she needs!
Step 4 “Name It”
Let’s go back to the earlier example. Remember the granola bar situation?
Picture this. I’m in the school pickup line, my son walks up to the van, gets in, and without a hello he blurts, “Mom, why did you send that granola bar today? You know I don’t like the strawberry kind! Seriously!”
Can you picture it? I swear he isn’t always rude, but man after a long school day or when he’s hungry, he sometimes isn’t’ the nicest. Now, I could choose to get upset right there. Number one I didn’t even get a hello, number two, he should be glad I sent a snack. If he wasn’t so picky, his life would be easier.
Right there I stop myself, take deep breaths and smile. I take a moment to think and realize that when he went to grab his snack he probably felt very disappointed. He was hungry and looking forward to eating something yummy and all he found was something he didn’t really like. If he is a person who struggles with feeling unloved, this situation could even trigger that feeling right there!
Do you see what just happened? I took a tiny moment to see the situation from his point of view. Taking this moment completely changes how you deal with your negative child! My conscious pause, takes the conversation into a completely different direction, because now I respond with empathy.
After taking a deep breath I say, “Hi my love, I’m sorry about that.”
T: “I was so super hungry and then I had nothing to eat.”
Me “Hmm.”
T: “I mean I just didn’t want to eat that bar because I really don’t like it.”
Me: “I bet you felt really disappointed at snack time.”
T: “Yes! What you sent just really isn’t my favorite.”
Me: “I see.”
T: “Can I pack my snack for tomorrow? I am definitely grabbing a chocolate chip granola bar.”
Me: “That sounds great. Let’s pack it together. That way you won’t be disappointed tomorrow.”
Do you see the difference here? Instead of giving him a lecture, I connected with my son. He feels heard, and he will even take ownership in preparing his snack. If this is not a win-win, then I don’t know.
So, when you respond as you deal with your negative child, you want to let them talk and simply acknowledge to show you are listening. Then you name the emotion you believe they are feeling and put it into a sentence. That is the response! No lecture, no argument, but connecting by acknowledging their feelings! BAM!
Step 5 “Fantasy”
In the above example my son’s snack wish will be able to happen the next day. However, sometimes this may not be an option. What if our kid longs for something we will not be able to give or make happen? What do we do then?
I mean, realistically we will simply not be able to make all our kids’ dreams come true, even if we wanted to. Many of the things they are asking or wishing for may not even be safe for them. How do you deal with your negative child in a case like this?
Guess what, you grant their wishes in fantasy. What?!?!
I know you may be doubtful about this working right now, but don’t dismiss this step until you’ve given it a try. I was a huge skeptic, until I tried it out and it has been one of my favorite parenting tools ever since!
Let’s imagine I didn’t have any other granola bars available for the next school day. Here is where the conversation could have gone instead.
…
Me: “I bet you felt really disappointed at snack time!”
T: “Yes I was. What you sent just really isn’t my favorite.”
Me: “I see.”
T: “Can I pack my snack for tomorrow? I am definitely grabbing a chocolate chip granola bar.”
Me: “Let’s have a look at what we can find in the pantry when we get home. What are some things you wish you could bring for a snack?”
T: “Oh well, the bar, or maybe even some crackers with peanut butter or the little turkey sausages you bought. Those are my favorite!”
Me: “Those all sound yummy.”
T: “Yes!”
This conversation doesn’t make a promise of a particular future snack, but if I want to I can lead the conversation there. Regardless, my son feels heard and is in a happier mood now, which serves both of us.
Let’s check out a few more real life scenarios to give you ideas what it could look like when you deal with your negative child.
Three approaches to deal with your negative child
When I pick the kids up from school I can tell that six year old E. is in a mood. As an extroverted child she quickly offers up what’s going on.
E: “O. was mean to me on the playground today. She said she never wants to play with me again and is not my friend anymore.”
There are a few different ways I could respond now:
Option A
Me: “Well, what did you do that made her say that? Remember, you need to be nice and find a way to get along with other kids on the playground.”
In our family this would definitely lead to E getting defensive and feeling like I don’t care and don’t understand her. It probably would lead to a meltdown that leads into an argument.
Having our kids feel like we don’t understand or care is not our goal, but sadly it’s often their take away when we respond like this.
Option B
Me: “Did you make sure to tell your teacher about it? It’s not ok for kids to be mean on the playground. She should have taken care of it. Did she do anything? I’ll definitely talk to your teacher about it.”
While we want to make sure our kids feel like we care we need to be careful to not fight their battles for them but instead equip them to fight their own. Coming in to solve every issue our kids face is actually not the most helpful response. I know how hard this can be sometimes, because we don’t want to see them hurt. Now in a case of bullying you of course want to contact the school, but that is not what we are talking about right here.
Options C
Me: “Hmmm.”
E: “We were playing this game and she was telling me that I couldn’t touch things and I didn’t like that.”
Me: “Oh.”
E: “And then she just started ignoring me and was playing with M. and they were playing something I don’t even like.”
Me: “I’m so sorry that happened. I bet that made you feel sad.”
E: “Yes and anyways, when I told her that that game was studpid she told me she didn’t want to be my friend anymore.”
Me: “Hmm.”
E: “I just don’t like when she just changes the game or always tells me what to do.”
Me: “I see.”
E: “I guess I can play with A. tomorrow. She loves playing ponies, and I love that too.”
Me: “That sounds fun.”
Two great things just happened!
- I gained quite a bit of information about what actually happened, by saying very little.
- My daughter independently analyzed the situation and found a solution!
Another win-win!
More real world examples for how to deal with your negative child
Situation 1: Birthday Party Invitation
Child: “Everyone got invited to H.’s birthday party but I didn’t.”
Parent: “Hmm.”
Child: “He went around and gave invitations to all the other kids.”
Parent: “I see.”
Child: “I love birthday parties. I wish I was invited too.”
Parent: “Hmm.”
Child: “I mean K. and L. weren’t invited either. H. gave invitations to all his best friends.”
Parent: “Ok.”
Child: “They talked about the party at recess and now I really wish I could go too.”
Parent: “It sounds like you are disappointed to miss the party.”
Child: “Yes! I mean I don’t play that much with H. but I love birthday parties. I wish I could go too.”
Parent: “What would the birthday party be like if you’d go?”
Child: “There would be a jump house there and we’d eat all the junk food we like and of course there would be lots of cake and I bet we’d talk about video games the whole time.”
Situation 2: Homework
Child: “Why does Mrs. M. have to give us so much homework? Homework is stupid. School is dumb too.”
Parent: “Hmm.”
Child: “I mean who needs homework anyways? It takes forever and is so hard!”
Parent: “I see.”
Child: “I’d much rather go and play with L. than do this stupid homework.”
Parent: “Hmm.”
Child: “I don’t even know what to do.”
Parent: “It sounds like you feel pretty overwhelmed.”
Child: “Yes. We did this at school and I didn’t really get it, now it’s going to take me forever. Can you maybe help me?”
Parent: “Let’s have a look.”
Especially with homework that seems hard, listen to all your child’s concerns before moving on. It will help for them to have a clear enough head to get through the work quicker.
Listening to and acknowledging your child’s worries will make the task of actually doing the homework easier and faster.
Situation 3: Little sister (s) took big sister’s (S) T-shirt without asking
S: “Mom! E. took my t-shirt again and she didn’t even ask me.”
Mom: “I see.”
S: “She always does this! I wanted to wear it and now it’s gone.”
Mom: “Hmm.”
S: “It’s one of my favorite ones! I hate that she always takes my stuff!”
Mom: “It sounds like you are pretty frustrated.”
S: “Yes! I just don’t like her taking my stuff without even asking.”
Mom: “That’s understandable.”
S: “I guess I’ll grab a different shirt for now.”
This is obviously not the end of this conflict, but it is the first conversation. Instead of getting in the middle of the problem, we can choose to listen to the concerns of the older child. The situation still will need to be dealt with. It will be easiest though to do so when emotions aren’t quite as high. Learning to coach siblings through their conflicts is a great parenting skill to develop. It will change your family life tremendously!
When you deal with your negative child it doesn’t have to end in yelling
When you learn to pause, stay calm, and listen, as you deal with your negative child, these situations get so much easier!
Now especially if you grew up in a home with long lectures, it will take a while for you to switch your approach. You may find yourself mid lecture, before you can stop yourself. That’s ok!
Pause and take a breath to calm down whenever you catch yourself! If you are mid lecture, so be it. Apologize to your child and let them know you are ready to listen. Eventually, with practice, your new way of handling situations will become second nature.
I’d love to hear your conversation experiences in the comments! What happened? What was your response? How did it work out?
If you have questions about responses or situations, put them in the comments as well and we’ll work on it together! I’d love to join you as you find a new way to deal with your negative child!